Rumors are circulating that ordinary people like you and I are taking better dumps than Donald Trump. The dumps are bigger. They’re faster. And they’re cleaner.
When reached for comment, the Trump camp was mum, but an insider exposed exclusively to us that Mr. Trump was infuriated after learning that normal, everyday people, including those who worked directly below him, were taking better dumps than he was.
“He was screaming and shouting at everyone,” the informer told us. “His hair was all over the place. ‘How is it possible!’ he screamed. ‘I take the best dumps in the world! How can anyone take a better dump than Donald Trump!’ It was very scary.”
The only question left was: how were these better dumps being obtained? Our own personal investigation led us to one product alone: The Perfect Dump. This unique, proprietary blend of fiber is changing the world of dumps as we know it. No longer are top-shelf dumps reserved for the rich and famous.
Mr. Trump is likely the first in a long line of powerful, mega-rich celebrities who will be livid to now that from this point forward their dumps are equal to, and in some cases inferior to, the dumps of the average working stiff.