Can You Take A Better Dump Than Donald Trump?

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Rumors are circulating that ordinary people like you and I are taking better dumps than Donald Trump. The dumps are bigger. They’re faster. And they’re cleaner.

When reached for comment, the Trump camp was mum, but an insider exposed exclusively to us that Mr. Trump was infuriated after learning that normal, everyday people, including those who worked directly below him, were taking better dumps than he was.

“He was screaming and shouting at everyone,” the informer told us. “His hair was all over the place. ‘How is it possible!’ he screamed. ‘I take the best dumps in the world! How can anyone take a better dump than Donald Trump!’ It was very scary.”

The only question left was: how were these better dumps being obtained? Our own personal investigation led us to one product alone: The Perfect Dump. This unique, proprietary blend of fiber is changing the world of dumps as we know it. No longer are top-shelf dumps reserved for the rich and famous.

Mr. Trump is likely the first in a long line of powerful, mega-rich celebrities who will be livid to now that from this point forward their dumps are equal to, and in some cases inferior to, the dumps of the average working stiff.

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107 Uses for the Word S**t

1. All that shit
2. Ape shit
3. Are you shitting me?
4. Batshit (refers to a crazy person)
5. Beer shits
6. Bullshit
7. Buried in shit
8. Chicken shit
9. Clean that shit up
10. Covered in shit
11. Crock of shit
12. Deep shit
13. Dog shit
14. Don’t give a shit
15. Don’t give me that shit
16. Don’t give two shits
17. Dumb shit
18. Eat shit
19. Eat shit and die.
20. Eat, Sleep, Shit.
21. Feels like shit
22. F***ing Shit
23. Flip his shit when he sees this
24. For shits sake
25. Full of shit
26. Funky shit
27. Get your shit together
28. Holy shit
29. Horseshit
30. Hot shit
31. I didn’t do shit
32. I don’t take no shit from nobody
33. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast
34. I feel like shit
35. I shit bigger than you
36. I shit you not
37. If it looks like shit and it smells like shit…
38. I’m in shit up to my neck
39. I’ve got shit to do
40. Knock that shit off
41. Little shit
42. Looks like shit
43. Love the smell of my own shit
44. No shit
45. Oh shit
46. Piece of shit
47. Pig in shit
48. Played like shit
49. Playing with shit
50. Rotten shit
51. Same old shit
52. Same shit, different day
53. Same shit, different smell
54. Scared shitless
55. Shit bag
56. Shit breath
57. Shit eating grin
58. Shit face
59. Shit for brains
60. You don’t know Shit from shinola
61. Shit happens
62. Shit head
63. Shit in your mouth
64. Shit Ka-bobs
65. Shit my brains out
66. Shit on a stick
67. Shit on you (beat them badly)
68. Shit ones self
69. Shit out of luck
70. Shit particles
71. Shit rolls down his
72. Shit Sandwich
73. Shit show
74. Shit stain
75. Shit storm
76. Tallking shit
77. Shitmobile
78. Shitted (past tense)
79. Shitting all over me (taking advantage of me)
80. Shitting bricks
81. Shitting out your mouth
82. Shitty attitude
83. Shitty weather
84. Shoot the shit
85. Smells like shit
86. Sounds like shit
87. Step in shit
88. Take that shit
89. Taking a shit
90. Talking shit
91. Tastes like shit
92. That was a very shitty thing to do
93. Shit colored
94. The ref made a shit call
95. That was the shit
96. Tough shit
97. Up shits creek
98. What kind of shit is that?
99. When shit hits the fan
100. Who gives a shit?
101. You don’t know shit about shit
102. You gotta be shittin me
103. Youre in a world of shit
104. Youre in for some shit
105. If it looks like shit and smells like shit, then it probably is shit
106. Piece of shit
107. Shit stain

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TOP 5 ON-SCREEN DUMPS OF ALL TIME

Let’s face it: human waste disposal makes for great entertainment. While not always in the best of taste, natural emissions in film and TV is usually good for at least a laugh, if not a down-and-out burst into hysterics. Here we detail our favorite on-screen moments where someone else’s bowel-related adventure delighted us to no end:

5) Al Bundy Gets His Bathroom Back – Married With Children

Few TV characters embodied the highs and lows of manhood the way Al Bundy did. As a somewhat pathetic shoe salesman, Al found personal triumph in places where his prowess went unmatched, like the bathroom. In the episode “A Man’s Castle” Al’s sanctuary is threatened by Peggy’s new interior decorating club. In order to thwart them off, he fills up on hot sauce and burritos and then does what he does best: takes a big dump. While the dump itself is inferred and not actually seen, it is wise to assume that this was one powerful dump, as it clears the house and gets him his kingdom back in no time.

4) The World Famous Hardware Store Dump – Jackass: The Movie

The Jackass gang didn’t miss a beat when they transitioned onto the big screen. Their debut film features one of the most notorious dumps in American history, when member Dave England pulls down his pants and vacates his bowels on a model toilet in the middle of a hardware store. Of course, it wouldn’t be Jackass if good old Dave didn’t accidentally poop his pants during a previous segment.

3) The Worst Dumps in Scotland – Trainspotting

Danny Boyle’s superb adaptation of an Irving Welsh novel features not one, but TWO totally memorable dumps. The first involves the narrator accidentally defecating his precious bag of drugs, followed by a surreal trip through the toilet underworld. The other has a character named Spud “messing” the bed in his sleep, then splattering the walls after a tug-of-war match over the sheets with his girlfriend the following morning.

2) Randy Marsh’s Biggest Dump – South Park

South Park, a trailblazing, raunchy cartoon deserves its own Top Ten Dump List given its abundance of seemingly endless poop jokes, including an episode where Mr. Hankey (a talking piece of poo) covers the entire town in crap. However, it’s on the episode “More Crap” where the show reaches new heights in toilet humor. In an effort to claim the title for world’s biggest dump, Randy Marsh must compete with no one other than U2’s Bono. The results are triumphant and, of course, hilarious.

1) The Endless Dump – Dumb and Dumber

Like Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the Farrelly Brothers are no strangers to the adventures of one’s bowel movements. The filmmakers shine as filth purveyors of the highest order when Lloyd (Dumb) slips Harry (Dumber) an ENTIRE box of laxatives before Harry’s date. The explosive result is comedy gold that needs no further explanation.

 

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Top 5 Ways A Dump Can Ruin Your Day

5) The Sneak-Attack – You’re on the bus after a long, hard day at work. Traffic is crawling along at a snail’s pace. You’re surrounded by people. When it happens. A quick rumble in the belly. An instant discomfort in the bowels. From out of nowhere, last night’s grande burrito has finally caught up to you. You have to take a dump. Real bad. And you’re miles from the nearest bathroom. It’s starting to hurt. If you don’t find a bathroom soon than this whole situation can get very awkward. To ease the pain, you let out a few quiet farts. The girl next to you starts sniffing in the air. What do you do?

4) Up Shit’s Creek Without a Paddle – You’re on a camping trip with your friends. There’s one roll of toilet paper for six of you to share. You take it into the woods. Unexpectedly, you take a very messy, smelly dump that demands numerous wipes. Out of respect for the one roll of TP, you start grabbing at leaves and using them to wipe. It’s cold out. It’s messy. And you just grabbed a clump of poison ivy (with a caterpillar on it).

3) You Blew It – It’s a blind date and she’s even prettier than you hoped she would be. The candles are lit. She loves the sound of everything on the menu. If only you’d known this night would be different than the others. Then you wouldn’t have eaten six slices of pepperoni pizza the night before. You’ve already gone to the bathroom twice, but the well of foul-smelling defecation is unfathomably deep. If you go to the bathroom one more time, you’re gonna lose her. But your stomach…it hurts so much.

2) The Big Moment – It’s your time to shine. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. You can be a basketball player holding the ball with three seconds on the clock. You can be a singer on TV for the first time, or the leader of a board room meeting. All eyes are on you. You are the man. And you’ve been holding in a fart for twenty minutes. It’s a fart that will be loud if it gets out. Very, very loud. On the other hand, you can’t hold it in much longer. Even the adrenaline can’t contain it. It’s coming, and your microphone is on…

1) You Shit Your Pants – Anywhere. At any age over ten. Trust us, it will ruin your day.

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Why The Perfect Dump Is Perfect

To keep things simple, I can say that The Perfect Dump works wonders on your bowels because it delivers a much needed, high dose of premium fiber to your lackluster diet. But I’m not feeling simple today, so I’ll take things a step further by explaining WHAT our product is and HOW it works on your body.

TPD is our own specially treated, minimally processed fiber from the plantago ovata plant.  Here at TPD, we use the whole, unrefined husk coating of the seeds of this plant to get the desired effect in dumping bliss. That’s a straight shot of high-grade fiber turning your poop into something, well, perfect.

The Perfect Dump facilitates better pooping first and foremost by providing BULK to your bowel movement. A lot of people suffer from poop that is too runny, too dry, or too hard. The result is an expenditure of extreme effort to perform a task that should be coming naturally. What our product does is combine combine with the liquids and then the food in your body to form a perfect, semi-solid mass. This mass is the material that pushes through your intestines, cleaning them out in the process.

LUBRICATION is also an essential aspect of TPD. The fiber in TPD has a high mucilage content.  It absorbs water into an expanding gel matrix contained within the fiber itself.  n English: your poop will slip out of your butt with minimal effort and there will be minimal wiping.  TPD is quite well know for inducing the fabled ‘Ghost wipes”, where your bowel movement is so nicely lubricated and clean, when you wipe there’s no poo on the paper. Your butt has never been cleaner and less irritable.

The fiber in TPD also has many positive effects on HEALTH. It lowers cholesterol, controls both constipation and diarrhea, lowers high blood pressure and eases hemorrhoid inflammation.

It’s also excellent for DIGESTION. Although fiber itself is indigestible, it facilitates proper digestion. This is why so many diets lacking fiber give way to inferior bowel movements. Think of fiber as the boat that carries your poop to its destination, and TPD as a product that’s able turn a shoddy canoe into a world-class yacht.

All animals require some form of fiber to help them digest. Tigers who do not get enough vegetables and plants in their diet have been know to eat mouthfuls of hair off of their prey to act as fiber and help them digest. The result is a more thoroughly digested meal with more of the meal’s nutrients being absorbed by the body. It may even help with WEIGHT LOSS as it allows for a “full” feeling to be maintained.

And that’s why The Perfect Dump is perfect.

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