Top 5 Ways A Dump Can Ruin Your Day

5) The Sneak-Attack – You’re on the bus after a long, hard day at work. Traffic is crawling along at a snail’s pace. You’re surrounded by people. When it happens. A quick rumble in the belly. An instant discomfort in the bowels. From out of nowhere, last night’s grande burrito has finally caught up to you. You have to take a dump. Real bad. And you’re miles from the nearest bathroom. It’s starting to hurt. If you don’t find a bathroom soon than this whole situation can get very awkward. To ease the pain, you let out a few quiet farts. The girl next to you starts sniffing in the air. What do you do?

4) Up Shit’s Creek Without a Paddle – You’re on a camping trip with your friends. There’s one roll of toilet paper for six of you to share. You take it into the woods. Unexpectedly, you take a very messy, smelly dump that demands numerous wipes. Out of respect for the one roll of TP, you start grabbing at leaves and using them to wipe. It’s cold out. It’s messy. And you just grabbed a clump of poison ivy (with a caterpillar on it).

3) You Blew It – It’s a blind date and she’s even prettier than you hoped she would be. The candles are lit. She loves the sound of everything on the menu. If only you’d known this night would be different than the others. Then you wouldn’t have eaten six slices of pepperoni pizza the night before. You’ve already gone to the bathroom twice, but the well of foul-smelling defecation is unfathomably deep. If you go to the bathroom one more time, you’re gonna lose her. But your stomach…it hurts so much.

2) The Big Moment – It’s your time to shine. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. You can be a basketball player holding the ball with three seconds on the clock. You can be a singer on TV for the first time, or the leader of a board room meeting. All eyes are on you. You are the man. And you’ve been holding in a fart for twenty minutes. It’s a fart that will be loud if it gets out. Very, very loud. On the other hand, you can’t hold it in much longer. Even the adrenaline can’t contain it. It’s coming, and your microphone is on…

1) You Shit Your Pants – Anywhere. At any age over ten. Trust us, it will ruin your day.

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